Home Now - Changes?

Well I was right, got home and things were what I thought.

Miserable.

I need to leave, but I have no-where to go.

Bubs - rescue me?

WHAT?

I never know how to start these posts - inevitably I'm going to sound like a dick.

Do I care? Not so much. Should I care? Probably.

So we've been on holiday all week, going home tomorrow, and I've had a really relaxing time.

My Husband is a closed book. I know that, I have ALWAYS known that.

After our 2009 disaster he opened up for a while but slowly he is becoming more and more reclusive.

He needs work, of course that is a big part of the issue but I am not willing to accept that being the thing that keeps him over there and me over here and vice-versa. It's bull.

He either wants to let me in or he doesn't. It was a condition of me letting him back into my life but I can't get strict on that rule now! It's two years later, and too many tears have come and gone.

We will always have a black cloud. It is permanent. And people at some point (I'm sure, please?) will stop telling me it will go away and get better and the worst of all - I will get over it.

Fuck you. Walk in my shoes, tell me what to do. Don't know how I feel, stick it up your fucking back side with a sharp fucking stick.

I don't often get angry at honesty, it's something I wholeheartedly search for and have done every day of my life. More people should tell the ultimate truth.

However, I don't want opinions from people who I don't ask.

I don't know whether or not infidelity brings out a whole new side to the on-lookers, the vultures, the people who watch misery with tea and a blanket - but I felt eyes.

All the time - eyes. Whole painful eyes, staring at me, staring at him, staring at us an our marriage like they had a stake in it. A share in it. A RIGHT to it. Like their opinion was a poignant item in my decision making process. Like they were a part of our relationship and had a vested interest.

At some point the cloud MAY move. But right now I don't want to be told to put-up or shut-up.

I want to grieve sometimes, I want to wallow occasionally and this week wasn't one for that.

It was one for tranquility and peace and composure.

Home will hold something different I'm sure...

Libya - What would you do?

I am, with some fury, watching Question Time with specific relevance to Libya and the decision made by UN and other powers. (And because Kelvin Mackenzie can curdle milk with just a look from 20 paces!)

How dare we sit back, having caused some of this devastation with our own weapons, and watch Gaddafi brutalise and obliterate other human beings? These are PEOPLE.

If anything, the funding we have provided for their weapons are a reason to intervene.

We have no money as a country and we are NO super power - but this man is literally wiping out his people. It makes my heart break to watch women and children simply want to get out of a country so horrendously full of hate when I take for granted my freedom.

I complain everyday about what I don't have.

Can you imagine what it must be like to be herded around with a gun in your back?

Can you imagine not knowing if today is your last at the hands of the people who are supposed to run your country and protect you? Protect your family? Fight for you and your rights??

I don't believe our Government could ever get back on it's high horse (Nor do I believe, although somewhat differently than Gaddafi, that they fight for me), in fact I think it's probably long bolted with through the stable door while shut!

But put yourself in their shoes - Could you stand back and watch?

I don't think I could.

MR,

I didn't deserve what you did.

And I'm still hurting.

I love you and you know that. But you knew that then too.

My love was never doubted, and you still smashed my heart to pieces.

I can't believe I have forgiven you. And truely, I have forgiven you.

I just can't help hurting every now and again.

I just wish I could tell you to your face, that I'm still in pain and I need you to hold me.

xxx

Not a good place. Not a good place at all.
I'm hurting, and confused and still now don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do.
Just to make a totally self-involved and angsty post.

He hurt me. Bad. And now I don't know what to do for the best.

I just wish it didn't hurt so much. I can't breathe when it hits me like a sledgehammer to the chest.

Heavy hearted.

Ciao x

Friday night with the (once upon a time) Peckham clan!

Went to the pub, Got quite drunk. Saw our friends play some emmense music and had such a laugh. Here are some pics of us larking about!

We had a fabulous night and I just want to say guys, I fucking love you!

GO AND SEE TAKE THE PAIN!

Ciao!
xxx

I'm feeling thoughtful...

I've never been one to keep my shit inside. I tend to volunteer my opinion at every available opportunity. Sometimes too often!
I'm in a strange mood. I'm thinking about our future, the world as a whole and my little family here in this flat too.
We have 3 cats, and each other of course. I like that. I like my little speck in this corner of my world. Our life, my Husband, our irritating animals (I love 'em but they do grate on me occasionally!) and our home. But I want more. I want my house to be ideal. My dream home.
This flat is perfect for us and our future but I want it to be nice. I want nice things, good furniture, I want to de-clutter and redecorate it really well.
I want children. Really soon. And I'm so excited to consider the new chapter we've started by getting wed and the next chapter when babies come along. When I think about my life I smile, and I couldn't have honestly said that a few years ago!
But there is ONE thing holding me back from this. ME.
I'm too big, whatever people say and however well I did to lose all of the weight I lost, I'm still not healthy or small enough. And I really do want to become the perfect woman for my Husband. I have a brilliant sense of humour, and a good personality (if I so say so myself!) and like I said, my opinions have always been forthcoming!! but I want to look and feel good and be confident within my own image, in my own body.
So what the freaking hell is stopping me? I don't know!
I don't have any motivation and if I'm honest, I'm BLOODY lazy when it comes to exercise.
I try, BELIEVE me I try. But I don't try enough. And I can't find anything to make me want to.

For some reason my own desire just isn't fucking enough...

Ciao.
x