Do I care? Not so much. Should I care? Probably.
So we've been on holiday all week, going home tomorrow, and I've had a really relaxing time.
My Husband is a closed book. I know that, I have ALWAYS known that.
After our 2009 disaster he opened up for a while but slowly he is becoming more and more reclusive.
He needs work, of course that is a big part of the issue but I am not willing to accept that being the thing that keeps him over there and me over here and vice-versa. It's bull.
He either wants to let me in or he doesn't. It was a condition of me letting him back into my life but I can't get strict on that rule now! It's two years later, and too many tears have come and gone.
We will always have a black cloud. It is permanent. And people at some point (I'm sure, please?) will stop telling me it will go away and get better and the worst of all - I will get over it.
Fuck you. Walk in my shoes, tell me what to do. Don't know how I feel, stick it up your fucking back side with a sharp fucking stick.
I don't often get angry at honesty, it's something I wholeheartedly search for and have done every day of my life. More people should tell the ultimate truth.
However, I don't want opinions from people who I don't ask.
I don't know whether or not infidelity brings out a whole new side to the on-lookers, the vultures, the people who watch misery with tea and a blanket - but I felt eyes.
All the time - eyes. Whole painful eyes, staring at me, staring at him, staring at us an our marriage like they had a stake in it. A share in it. A RIGHT to it. Like their opinion was a poignant item in my decision making process. Like they were a part of our relationship and had a vested interest.
At some point the cloud MAY move. But right now I don't want to be told to put-up or shut-up.
I want to grieve sometimes, I want to wallow occasionally and this week wasn't one for that.
It was one for tranquility and peace and composure.
Home will hold something different I'm sure...
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