Not a good place. Not a good place at all.
I'm hurting, and confused and still now don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do.
Just to make a totally self-involved and angsty post.

He hurt me. Bad. And now I don't know what to do for the best.

I just wish it didn't hurt so much. I can't breathe when it hits me like a sledgehammer to the chest.

Heavy hearted.

Ciao x

Friday night with the (once upon a time) Peckham clan!

Went to the pub, Got quite drunk. Saw our friends play some emmense music and had such a laugh. Here are some pics of us larking about!

We had a fabulous night and I just want to say guys, I fucking love you!

GO AND SEE TAKE THE PAIN!

Ciao!
xxx

I'm feeling thoughtful...

I've never been one to keep my shit inside. I tend to volunteer my opinion at every available opportunity. Sometimes too often!
I'm in a strange mood. I'm thinking about our future, the world as a whole and my little family here in this flat too.
We have 3 cats, and each other of course. I like that. I like my little speck in this corner of my world. Our life, my Husband, our irritating animals (I love 'em but they do grate on me occasionally!) and our home. But I want more. I want my house to be ideal. My dream home.
This flat is perfect for us and our future but I want it to be nice. I want nice things, good furniture, I want to de-clutter and redecorate it really well.
I want children. Really soon. And I'm so excited to consider the new chapter we've started by getting wed and the next chapter when babies come along. When I think about my life I smile, and I couldn't have honestly said that a few years ago!
But there is ONE thing holding me back from this. ME.
I'm too big, whatever people say and however well I did to lose all of the weight I lost, I'm still not healthy or small enough. And I really do want to become the perfect woman for my Husband. I have a brilliant sense of humour, and a good personality (if I so say so myself!) and like I said, my opinions have always been forthcoming!! but I want to look and feel good and be confident within my own image, in my own body.
So what the freaking hell is stopping me? I don't know!
I don't have any motivation and if I'm honest, I'm BLOODY lazy when it comes to exercise.
I try, BELIEVE me I try. But I don't try enough. And I can't find anything to make me want to.

For some reason my own desire just isn't fucking enough...

Ciao.
x

Been a while!

It's saturday night!

I'm on holiday basically. Visiting my mummy by the seaside and meeting up with lovely friends.
And it occured to me while talking to someone I hadnt seen in years just how much one forgets!
My closest friend is now seeing a guy I knew at 17yrs old. We're now 24/25 and he hasnt changed very much. But he brought back so many memories I had lost. And I realised how much I had forgotten from my college days. I have had friends, aquaintences, mates. But never many people who have stuck around in my life that are worth knowing now.
He said names of people that made my hair stand on end. People I forgot even existed and times I spent with them that I don't recognise!

His first words were "bloody hell, you've lost LOADS of weight!!" He's right, I have.
And he has changed alot too, I reckon he took my weight actually, the skinny runt is no longer all that skinny. Or runt-like for that matter!

But I wanted to send a little message to all the people I have known and since forgotten, to say that although we had some fun, some good fun, and some baaad fun with one or two names in particular! We have lost most of that now, and I think it's sad.
One has such large areas of memory, like childhood smells and sounds, people one went through school years with, people one liked or disliked aged 10. But the people I did some (what should have been) memorable things with have totally escaped me.

Is it age?
Is it experiences?
Is it merely natural to lose some perhaps less significant things along the way?
I don't know, but I had great fun reciting and recalling old forgotten stories.

So thank you Ant, I remember some of it now as though it was yesterday and you reminded me of some things and some people that seem somewhat long ago!

A good evening had by all I think, and a much needed change from the norm.

Ciao!
x

Sunday again.

This day of the week rolls around so fast every time!

So I did a tutorial today for a pink and red look, it's beautiful and being my first one, I was so proud of it. Until that is, the camera I'm using let me down and I can't upload.
So gutted. I really thought I'd bitten the bullet and tried it.
Nope.

So my sunday was dull, then the football came on and it brightened up obviously.

I don't have anything else to say. But I have a question.
Does anyone want me to do tutorials? I have another camera that would allow me to do 6 minute long videos. So would you like to see them on youtube?

Ciao!
xxx

And another thing..

Why is it that being broke makes me unhappy? Bear with me...
We're really skint, almost totally. Even with a £50 sub from Deds boss.
BUT, we have each other. We're stable, roof over our heads, great friends, lovely (well fed I might add) pussycats, healthy and happy extended families...I could go on.
Yet a mere blip on our lifes radar and we're miserable? What is up with that?
We don't always have the best luck and sometimes we are downright UNlucky.
But I have him and he has me and best of all we have eachothers companionship.
Yet money makes the world go around?

Something somewhere got twisted...
My Grandparents, like yours I wouldn't bet, were almost destitute when they got married and started their clan. And yes, my Grandfather complained alot about the changes in life since then and the way people have become vulgar layabouts with sex addictions wheeling heroin drips around with them wherever they go. And to some extent he's not wrong. But my Grandparents were always happy. Grumpy yes, but unhappy? Never. They still held hands and worked hard right until retirement.
So what is it about my generation and the ones growing up now, that makes them think ipods and Nike will make them better people? What about morals? What about pride and respect?
Those things seem to be thin on the ground nowadays. I know I sound old but maybe that just makes me wiser.
Facebook, Myspace, Blogs, YouTube, MSN chat; does any of this have an impact on our young?
Of course it does. But it's not a matter of blaming these 'Social Networking' sites. They're a reaction, not an action. A symptom if you will, rather than a cause.
Yet they have all this power they don't use! The power to compell the youth, the power to teach right from wrong, the power to say yes to staying in school and no to a generation of murderers.

I'm not saying I could single handedly save the world. Hell, I'm not even saying I could save my kids from the street-life of Peckham! But I wish dollars were not the signs people saw when people like Britney Spears have fallen apart. I wish that the sound of a till wasn't what people heard when the G20 summit went inevitably pearshaped, rather than 'How can we help'.

I'm ot sure where I'm going now. But I wish money wasn't the answer.
If only I could say that happiness was enough. But in these fragile times both financial and within societies well being, we're looking for material possesions to make it better. If we weren't, would we even be in a recession? Credit cards and mortgages are the symbols for this post.
Without them maybe we wouldn't be wishing the next pay packet would hurry up and maybe we would look at each other and think "that's it. That's what life is ALL about".

Live within your means!
Just a thought about the world we live in.
Ciao!
xxx

Saturday means football.

Hello people! (Assuming ANYONE reads this, lol)

So we played Bristol Rovers today. 4-2 the final score, and I am not happy.
For the first time this decade we were going up in second. Nickin' it at the final hurdle and making everyone take us a little more seriously. Well whoops is all I can say to that now.
I shouldn't have bragged so loudly or in such huge quantities.
We lost and it's now play-offs for us. Those of you who don't like football but kept on reading anyway (what are you stoopid?), play-offs are pure unadulterated evil!

We as the 4th on the table, will play whoever is 6th. Assuming, of course that we hold onto where we are now! Millwall make me angry because it's in my blood and there is nothing I can do about it.
It makes me sad, happy, angry and destitue everyday. Yet I am addicted.
Hey at least it ain't crack!

So here we are AGAIN. Play-off place hopefully won and I am already starting to sweat. We don't do well in these scenarios historically and I for one do NOT want to stay in this piss-poor league any longer. So please boys, can ya pull it 'out the bag just this once? I promise God I will never eat chocolate and sit on my arse, ever again. EVER!!

Ciao (slightly apprehensive)
xxx

So I have the day off, let me tell you why. TMI time I'm afraid...

I had an appointment for my cervical smear test today.
Too much info? Don't care. It's important.

I want to invent a male smear. Like what they have for an STI test but more intrusive.
I didn't feel violated, I'm not all that bothered about showing my bits to professionals.
But it's not comfortable! Even now I feel a little like I should rearrange, except unlike men, I can't physically do that, lol.

http://www.cancerscreening.nhs.uk/cervical/

That pretty much covers what they do and how, and what you don't know but should.

I have to say, the worst part is hearing yourself cranked open. Surreal to say the least.

Having had it, however, I have to tell you to do it. I'm not preaching, that's not my style. But it's not scary, strange I grant you! But scary, no. And essential.

Think about what can happen if you don't? Weigh up the basic pro's and con's!

Do yourself a favour, get tested.

Ciao.
xxx

Parky.

I had a conversation in the pub with my lads on thursday night about Parkinsons 'rant' about Jade Goody.

He wasn't attacking her, for pity's sake, but no one has bothered to see what he actually said.
He was attcking and somewhat blaming, the media. He didn't say she was awful.
His point was that 6-8 months ago she was an advert for what was wrong with our country,
and frankly he had a point. 6 months ago, you would never have seen a nice article about her and never would you have thought that once she passed on there would be magazine dedications and freaking SHRINES! in her memory.
Yet as soon as a relatively innocent young woman dies, she is blasted into the idolisation stratosphere! Come on. I'm not contradicting my earlier post, if you read this properly, I'm merely stating that all of a sudden the woman dies and is almost being cannonised!
She wasn't a saint, and nor was she the devil personified.
But a memorial garden? Really?!

I'm with Parky, I may not have put it in quite the same way but he's right.
One minute you do anything to knock her over and kick her while she's down.
Now she's an idol simply for getting cancer and dying, because she spread the word?
If she was an average, normal non-celebrity (I use the term very loosely) she would have died in peace behind closed doors.

Get some bloody perspective. No-one is bashing her, but where is the need to praise a woman people hated last year?

Fickle people, fickle tastes, fickle media.
Sheesh!

Ciao.
x

Moi.

I just thought I'd do a quick "A few things about me" blogshizz.

I'm 24.
I'm from London, UK. Peckham to be precise.
I'm a Senior Administrator for the office contract of a maintenance company in the City.
I'm married to this beautifully handsome man, happily, since 13th December 2008.


I'm a Scorpio, and live up to the supposed personality traits of said star-sign.
I'm mad about football.
I'm even madder about Heavy-Metal.
And somewhere in between is make-up. I'm obsessed. Seriously.
I love films, any films apart from Manga. Bores the crap out of me.
My favourite book is the Dictionary. Grammar, punctuation and language are very important!
I really hate prejudice of any sort, and I can't stand needless violence.
I don't like arrogance, cockiness I love. In the right moment.
My favourite colour is probably red or purple. But I only ever wear any colour with black as my staple and to be honest I don't wear many colours at all.

I'm overweight, and my Husband would kill me for saying it.
My eyes are a lovely shade of brown.
I have a fabulous (if I do say do myself!) ass. Like Beyonce but with real-woman-cellulite.
My boobs are smaller than I want and my belly is bigger.
I'm happy :)

Anything else you would like to know?

Ciao!
x

Sunday, bloody sunday!

We had a lovely evening. Dinner, good conversation, great peoples.
Lovesly vodka too but that is neither here nor there.

Today I made a bit of a decision. I really want to lose the weight this time.
I'm not dieting, I'm changing my life. Smalled portions, healthier foods and as much excercise as I can cram into my busy lifestyle. Joining the gym once the husband gets paid and we'll then be bringing in enough money to allow me to do that.
Then I want to quit smoking. After our heavy drunken-partying-festival-going-summer of course!

I look forward to fitting into clothes and being healthy but more than that, TATTOOOOOING.
There is one kickarse tattoo that I have wanted for a long time and I decided to make that my goal.
I am aiming to lose 2 stone. I don't want to be skinny, or even that thin ( I love my big bum and child-bearing hips!) but I do want to be fit and healthy to have children.
I also want to shop in all shops. Not just forgiving shops with forgiving sizes.

Husband is happy, he's finally working and smiling and I'm getting a better atmosphere in the house and better sex :)

So all in all, although it's a boring bloody sunday, I have decided to change my life.
This time, I really mean it.
This time, I WILL SUCCEED!!!!

Ciao.
xxx

Jade Goody.

Ok. Yes this is a really overdone subject of discussion I know.
But I wanted to say something.

Jade Goody may not have been everyones favourite person and I can understand why.
My only criticism of her is that she is famous but talentless. A bit like Paris Hilton. Life is cruel is all I'm going to say on that point.

However, talentless she may be, but deserving of death at 27 years she is not.
I'm getting a little bored of reading about how little she doesn't matter. Whether you find her interesting as a person or not is really irrelevant. She is still human and one would think she was a murderer the way people go on about her being un-important! She's a person for goodness sake.
I'm no Chris Crocker, but I do believe she should have been left alone once her death sentance was announced. She was a mother of two very young boys, her intelligence isn't relevant, but her business sense is. In her position, I would probably have exploited my media prescence in the same way. She has set her children up for life and money is one thing I would like to be able to leave my children were I to pass when they were at an age they might not remember alot about me.

I hope that she is happy where she is (depends on your beliefs I suppose), and I do hope that her children and husband (my opinion of him is a little different!) are left alone to mourn her passing. She was a human being, and as far as I'm concerned she has as much right to life as you and I.
Her passing is sad, many factors contribute to the sadness. Her young age, her poor innocent children and the people who loved her most.

I for one, hope that this brings cervical cancer to a serious forefront of young womens minds.
It isn't something that only happens to others; it could happen to you too.

R.I.P Jade, a controversial woman passes with great sadness to many and I have respect for all innocent and humane people.

Ciao for now.
x

I lead a dull life monday all the way to friday!

So I've had another stressy day.
Shitty is the word I should probably use!
Anyway...

So I was thinking, I want to start blogging about world events and my opinion.
It IS just my opinion, it's not about anyone else, just what I think.

Next one coming up will be Jade Goody. Yeah yeah, I know it's everywhere but I have an opinion and I'll be damned if I can't share it!

Ciao!
x

What a crappy, crappy day!

Ok, I'm going to dive right in. My job sucks.
I work as an Administrator for a maintenance company and right now, and before the recession in all honesty, my company is awful.
They own alot of the maintenance companies in and around London and have recently won some northern contracts too.

I run the office. Sounds fabulous no?
Office Manager, good pay, great team, loads of responsibility?
Heck no. Firstly, My title is Customer Service Administrator. Rubbish.
I don't get paid highly enough for all of the work that I do. Rubbish.
The team is good, but I am the only person in my office. My engineers are rarely seen as they have their hands down toilets to unblock them or in ceilings wiring etc. Rubbish.
Loads of responsibility, you're damn right. Except I get no reward for it.
I am under-paid by Admin standards! Let alone managing the office.
I have to remind my Contract Manager to eat, for goodness sake!

All in all, before I step foot into my office (basement pump room, no windows, no natural air!),
I already know that my day will be pants. I'm stressed out, frustrated, and in need of a really good shag! So when I AM there, it's hard. Really hard. And today we had 2 huge pieces of equipment breakdown, my manager looks to be getting the push and we have a new guy coming in to start on monday who by the sounds of him, is only one evolutionary step away from a neaderthal! Fuck it!
*breathes*

Today I'm wearing a really smoky black and white eye with winged liquid liner.
I got up really late and I didn't have much time. Smoky = messy anyway so I went for the quick option and it came out pretty hot, if I do say so myself!

Oh, the picture is me and my beautiful Husband. Just to cheer me up :)
Ciao for now!
Angry xxxxx's

Blog 01.

Make-up, madness and Metal of the highest order.

My intention with my blog is to answer questions, give tips and tricks, moan and complain a little on the side and simply let it all hang out. I will also give you my opinions on world news/topics.
I know you didn't ask for them, I just sense a need to hear my honest words :)

Today was a rough day. I have a really stressful job and right now it is at it's highest stress level yet. My line manager looks as though he may be losing his job and I really don't want that.
He is half the reason I am at this stupid company and frankly, without him fighting my corner I don't know if I will stay either. I'm damn good at my job, but from the outset the powers that be had it in for me. Basically if he goes, I'm guessing I go!

Apart from that, we just beat the MK Dons. Loves it <3

I'm wearing St Patricks Day make-up today. Lovely greens and browns, with some sparkle on the bottom lash line and a nice winged edge liquid line.
If you'd like to see my make up just give me a shout and I'll put up pictures!

Ok, so post No. 1 is done.
Ciao for now x