MR,

I didn't deserve what you did.

And I'm still hurting.

I love you and you know that. But you knew that then too.

My love was never doubted, and you still smashed my heart to pieces.

I can't believe I have forgiven you. And truely, I have forgiven you.

I just can't help hurting every now and again.

I just wish I could tell you to your face, that I'm still in pain and I need you to hold me.

xxx

Not a good place. Not a good place at all.
I'm hurting, and confused and still now don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do.
Just to make a totally self-involved and angsty post.

He hurt me. Bad. And now I don't know what to do for the best.

I just wish it didn't hurt so much. I can't breathe when it hits me like a sledgehammer to the chest.

Heavy hearted.

Ciao x

Friday night with the (once upon a time) Peckham clan!

Went to the pub, Got quite drunk. Saw our friends play some emmense music and had such a laugh. Here are some pics of us larking about!

We had a fabulous night and I just want to say guys, I fucking love you!

GO AND SEE TAKE THE PAIN!

Ciao!
xxx

I'm feeling thoughtful...

I've never been one to keep my shit inside. I tend to volunteer my opinion at every available opportunity. Sometimes too often!
I'm in a strange mood. I'm thinking about our future, the world as a whole and my little family here in this flat too.
We have 3 cats, and each other of course. I like that. I like my little speck in this corner of my world. Our life, my Husband, our irritating animals (I love 'em but they do grate on me occasionally!) and our home. But I want more. I want my house to be ideal. My dream home.
This flat is perfect for us and our future but I want it to be nice. I want nice things, good furniture, I want to de-clutter and redecorate it really well.
I want children. Really soon. And I'm so excited to consider the new chapter we've started by getting wed and the next chapter when babies come along. When I think about my life I smile, and I couldn't have honestly said that a few years ago!
But there is ONE thing holding me back from this. ME.
I'm too big, whatever people say and however well I did to lose all of the weight I lost, I'm still not healthy or small enough. And I really do want to become the perfect woman for my Husband. I have a brilliant sense of humour, and a good personality (if I so say so myself!) and like I said, my opinions have always been forthcoming!! but I want to look and feel good and be confident within my own image, in my own body.
So what the freaking hell is stopping me? I don't know!
I don't have any motivation and if I'm honest, I'm BLOODY lazy when it comes to exercise.
I try, BELIEVE me I try. But I don't try enough. And I can't find anything to make me want to.

For some reason my own desire just isn't fucking enough...

Ciao.
x

Been a while!

It's saturday night!

I'm on holiday basically. Visiting my mummy by the seaside and meeting up with lovely friends.
And it occured to me while talking to someone I hadnt seen in years just how much one forgets!
My closest friend is now seeing a guy I knew at 17yrs old. We're now 24/25 and he hasnt changed very much. But he brought back so many memories I had lost. And I realised how much I had forgotten from my college days. I have had friends, aquaintences, mates. But never many people who have stuck around in my life that are worth knowing now.
He said names of people that made my hair stand on end. People I forgot even existed and times I spent with them that I don't recognise!

His first words were "bloody hell, you've lost LOADS of weight!!" He's right, I have.
And he has changed alot too, I reckon he took my weight actually, the skinny runt is no longer all that skinny. Or runt-like for that matter!

But I wanted to send a little message to all the people I have known and since forgotten, to say that although we had some fun, some good fun, and some baaad fun with one or two names in particular! We have lost most of that now, and I think it's sad.
One has such large areas of memory, like childhood smells and sounds, people one went through school years with, people one liked or disliked aged 10. But the people I did some (what should have been) memorable things with have totally escaped me.

Is it age?
Is it experiences?
Is it merely natural to lose some perhaps less significant things along the way?
I don't know, but I had great fun reciting and recalling old forgotten stories.

So thank you Ant, I remember some of it now as though it was yesterday and you reminded me of some things and some people that seem somewhat long ago!

A good evening had by all I think, and a much needed change from the norm.

Ciao!
x

Sunday again.

This day of the week rolls around so fast every time!

So I did a tutorial today for a pink and red look, it's beautiful and being my first one, I was so proud of it. Until that is, the camera I'm using let me down and I can't upload.
So gutted. I really thought I'd bitten the bullet and tried it.
Nope.

So my sunday was dull, then the football came on and it brightened up obviously.

I don't have anything else to say. But I have a question.
Does anyone want me to do tutorials? I have another camera that would allow me to do 6 minute long videos. So would you like to see them on youtube?

Ciao!
xxx

And another thing..

Why is it that being broke makes me unhappy? Bear with me...
We're really skint, almost totally. Even with a £50 sub from Deds boss.
BUT, we have each other. We're stable, roof over our heads, great friends, lovely (well fed I might add) pussycats, healthy and happy extended families...I could go on.
Yet a mere blip on our lifes radar and we're miserable? What is up with that?
We don't always have the best luck and sometimes we are downright UNlucky.
But I have him and he has me and best of all we have eachothers companionship.
Yet money makes the world go around?

Something somewhere got twisted...
My Grandparents, like yours I wouldn't bet, were almost destitute when they got married and started their clan. And yes, my Grandfather complained alot about the changes in life since then and the way people have become vulgar layabouts with sex addictions wheeling heroin drips around with them wherever they go. And to some extent he's not wrong. But my Grandparents were always happy. Grumpy yes, but unhappy? Never. They still held hands and worked hard right until retirement.
So what is it about my generation and the ones growing up now, that makes them think ipods and Nike will make them better people? What about morals? What about pride and respect?
Those things seem to be thin on the ground nowadays. I know I sound old but maybe that just makes me wiser.
Facebook, Myspace, Blogs, YouTube, MSN chat; does any of this have an impact on our young?
Of course it does. But it's not a matter of blaming these 'Social Networking' sites. They're a reaction, not an action. A symptom if you will, rather than a cause.
Yet they have all this power they don't use! The power to compell the youth, the power to teach right from wrong, the power to say yes to staying in school and no to a generation of murderers.

I'm not saying I could single handedly save the world. Hell, I'm not even saying I could save my kids from the street-life of Peckham! But I wish dollars were not the signs people saw when people like Britney Spears have fallen apart. I wish that the sound of a till wasn't what people heard when the G20 summit went inevitably pearshaped, rather than 'How can we help'.

I'm ot sure where I'm going now. But I wish money wasn't the answer.
If only I could say that happiness was enough. But in these fragile times both financial and within societies well being, we're looking for material possesions to make it better. If we weren't, would we even be in a recession? Credit cards and mortgages are the symbols for this post.
Without them maybe we wouldn't be wishing the next pay packet would hurry up and maybe we would look at each other and think "that's it. That's what life is ALL about".

Live within your means!
Just a thought about the world we live in.
Ciao!
xxx